Why Am I Awake? 

The STABS NOTHING approach to nighttime wakefulness

 

I’m pretty good at falling asleep, but not so good at staying asleep. Over many frustrating nights, I realized that it wasn’t cringy memories from 8^th grade (many), or the problems of the world (even more, by a few) keeping me awake—I was awake and spiraling on those things for other reasons. Now, when my eyelids go clang at 3 a.m., I ask myself, “Why am I awake?”

 

The possibilities make a simple, 18-or-so-item list with a catchy mnemonic: 

 

STABS NOTHING

(Here, imagine me grimacing maniacally while stabbing air with my invisible dagger). 

 

Here are the 18-or-so items, and my solutions, if I’ve found any.

 

Stomach

You ate too much, or you ate after 7:00, or you ate and your stomach didn’t feel like doing anything about that. Go sleep sitting up on the living room sofa.

Time and Temperature

Temperature: You’re too hot. Or too cold. Or both. But usually too hot. Go sleep on the sofa with the window cracked open (especially effective in January).

Time: It’s important that you get up at a certain time tomorrow morning, so you keep waking up all night. Keep waking up all night, and it eventually becomes morning.

Airway

Your nose is stuffy, and you can’t sleep lying down. When you’re up using the bathroom (see next item), use saline nose spray. Then go sleep sitting up on the sofa. 

Bed, Bath, and Beyond

Bath: You need to use the bathroom. Stop obsessing over 8^th grade and go. 

Bed: It’s not comfortable. Find somewhere else to sleep. (Usually the living room sofa). 

Beyond: The sky’s the limit, as long as it’s a B word! Back! Body! Blue light!

Subconscious

Thanks for the dumb dream or nightmare, brain. Breathe, and bask in the knowledge that your ears are notwaffles. 

 

Pause here: the original acronym was STABS. Then one night, I woke up, applied all the STABS, and got nothing. STABS Nothing! was born. Before long, more disruptors filled in the new letters…but sometimes Nothing is what's keeping you up. 

 

Noise, Neighbors, Nuisance

Noise, noisy neighbors: Close windows. Sleep as far from the noise as possible.

Nuisance: Maybe cat ownership was not a good idea. Oh, well.

Overstimulated

You watched a movie, worked on your fun project, or drank a can of Coke after 3:00 p.m. Try not doing that next time. 

Thinking

Ok, sometimes it is the weight of the world. Try boring your brain to sleep: count backward from 1000 by 3s. Name all the plants in your yard. Recite the recipe for chocolate chip cookies. Do not review your to-do list. Under no circumstances think about 8^th grade.

Health

Weirdly, all the subcategories start with I: irritation, illness, injury. Get up and do what you can about it, or at least remember give your 8th-grade self some grace.

Inactivity

You are awake at 3 a.m. because you should have worked out yesterday morning. You can try progressively tensing and relaxing muscle groups, but you may have to just read until exhausted, then try again tomorrow morning. Do not get up and exercise.

Nudge

You awaken with a thought or impression. From your subconscious? God? The Universe? Doesn’t matter—write it down, or get up and do something about it. Otherwise, it will either

o   Go back to where it came from

o   Keep you up until morning

Got enough sleep 

The undiscovered country: You blink. You roll over (probably on the living room sofa). You ask, “Why am I awake?” You count up hours of sleep. You have, unaccountably, slept enough. Enjoy this one whenever it occurs. 

 

 

Mormon Lit Blitz

 The Mormon Lit Blitz, by the Mormon Lit Lab, is a very-form fiction contest that's always exciting and intriguing: in 1000, what sorts of writing projects will people come up with? Answer: ALL sorts of projects, usually in several languages, from all over the world. Poetry, short stories, personal essays, narrative verse. The finalists arrive one delicious little literary morsel per day, before the judges and the public vote on the finalists.

I was so thrilled that my Book of Mormon short story "Thief" was chosen as a finalist in the most recent Lit Blitz. You can read it here (or listen to me read it). Then read the rest of the finalists! 

Compassed About

Magazine WordPress Themes by DesignOrbital

 A story of mine called "Compassed About" was included in the thoughtful and lovely Irreantum magazine. They were looking for short fiction in or about the Book of Mormon, and ended up with mostly a varied and fascinating collection of Nephi stories. Mine is about Laman's wife...but of course Nephi is there in the background. 

Tired, but radicalized

 Nothing like coming back to your blog after a 9-year hiatus.

I was not happy about the outcome of the 2016 elections, but I consoled myself that the office of President of the US was a mostly ceremonial job. How much damage could he cause?

A lot--especially with the help of his new friends. 

So I make signs (UNPAID PROTESTER) and go to protests now. I write more letters to my representatives than I used to, and get responses to fewer of them than I used to. I squint at as much of the news as I can stand, then get up the next morning and squint some more. 

And I wonder how we're possibly going to put this country back together again, after it finally ends.

When I woke up on Nov. 6, 2024, two words floated into my mind:

BUILD COMMUNITY

I've been sporadically trying to amplify voices worth hearing, show up to causes worth supporting, and share the entrepreneurial efforts of friends. Maybe this long-forgotten blog can also help build a bit of community, if anyone is reading blogs anymore. Glad you're here.

Welcome to

The Last Geranium of the Season

Courtesy of this blog and global warming

Happy Thanksgiving!

 

A link everyone needs today

We all voted, and we have the sticker to show for it. If you throw it in the wash, the residue stubbornly remains. Here's the link that will save your shirt:

http://www.howtocleanstuff.net/how-to-remove-sticker-residue-from-clothing/

Konmari & Me: A Book and Life Review

Yesterday I sent my friend a picture of the inside of my bathroom cabinet. Note the items on the second shelf, ascending joyfully from left to right. I’m eagerly awaiting a picture of my friend’s underwear drawer.

Why? A best-selling little pastel green book, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up. It seems like all the ladies (Sorry for the profiling, guys. I’ll edit this once I meet a guy fan.) in my neighborhood/ Facebook feed are tidying.

This book enters a crowded field of tough-love decluttering books (also this parody), devoted to saving pathetic acquisitive pack-ratters like me from the soul-deadening, life-shortening, dagnabbed frustrating heaps of our own stuff. Don’t love it/use it/have a place for it! Toss that ol’ thang! Clutter is the enemy!

KonMari (a Japanesey cutening of the author’s name, Marie Kondo) is kind of the Hello Kitty of decluttering drill sergeants. She encourages a “tidying marathon” leading to respectable Dumpster-loads of discarded stuff.

But instead of reviling clutter, we are to hold each possession in our hands, and to keep only those that “spark joy.” And after determining which things spark joy, we are to lavish them with care and attention.

Konmari comes off as just a little nuts (charming, but nuts). She passionately describes the feelings of inanimate objects, encouraging tidyers to respectfully thank each object before chucking it. And some of her feng-shui-flavored organizing mandates work best if you happen to live in a Japanese home, with its distinctive deep closets designed to hold folding futons during the day.

Unlike other declutterers, Konmari acknowledges that each possession at one time sparked an emotion that caused us to bring it into the house. And that a precious few material objects enhance our lives and bring us joy. That it feels good to live in an orderly place surrounded by our most beloved objects.

I think that focus on gratitude and acknowledgement of the pleasure-bringing qualities of our earthly possessions is what’s rocketed her to 60 some-odd weeks on the bestseller list. Questions? You can find me lavishing appreciation on my great-grandmother’s bread knife (hand-carved handle is wobbly, but the blade still cuts like a boss.) Or polishing my humble but trusty stapler.