Why Am I Awake? 

The STABS NOTHING approach to nighttime wakefulness

 

I’m pretty good at falling asleep, but not so good at staying asleep. Over many frustrating nights, I realized that it wasn’t cringy memories from 8^th grade (many), or the problems of the world (even more, by a few) keeping me awake—I was awake and spiraling on those things for other reasons. Now, when my eyelids go clang at 3 a.m., I ask myself, “Why am I awake?”

 

The possibilities make a simple, 18-or-so-item list with a catchy mnemonic: 

 

STABS NOTHING

(Here, imagine me grimacing maniacally while stabbing air with my invisible dagger). 

 

Here are the 18-or-so items, and my solutions, if I’ve found any.

 

Stomach

You ate too much, or you ate after 7:00, or you ate and your stomach didn’t feel like doing anything about that. Go sleep sitting up on the living room sofa.

Time and Temperature

Temperature: You’re too hot. Or too cold. Or both. But usually too hot. Go sleep on the sofa with the window cracked open (especially effective in January).

Time: It’s important that you get up at a certain time tomorrow morning, so you keep waking up all night. Keep waking up all night, and it eventually becomes morning.

Airway

Your nose is stuffy, and you can’t sleep lying down. When you’re up using the bathroom (see next item), use saline nose spray. Then go sleep sitting up on the sofa. 

Bed, Bath, and Beyond

Bath: You need to use the bathroom. Stop obsessing over 8^th grade and go. 

Bed: It’s not comfortable. Find somewhere else to sleep. (Usually the living room sofa). 

Beyond: The sky’s the limit, as long as it’s a B word! Back! Body! Blue light!

Subconscious

Thanks for the dumb dream or nightmare, brain. Breathe, and bask in the knowledge that your ears are notwaffles. 

 

Pause here: the original acronym was STABS. Then one night, I woke up, applied all the STABS, and got nothing. STABS Nothing! was born. Before long, more disruptors filled in the new letters…but sometimes Nothing is what's keeping you up. 

 

Noise, Neighbors, Nuisance

Noise, noisy neighbors: Close windows. Sleep as far from the noise as possible.

Nuisance: Maybe cat ownership was not a good idea. Oh, well.

Overstimulated

You watched a movie, worked on your fun project, or drank a can of Coke after 3:00 p.m. Try not doing that next time. 

Thinking

Ok, sometimes it is the weight of the world. Try boring your brain to sleep: count backward from 1000 by 3s. Name all the plants in your yard. Recite the recipe for chocolate chip cookies. Do not review your to-do list. Under no circumstances think about 8^th grade.

Health

Weirdly, all the subcategories start with I: irritation, illness, injury. Get up and do what you can about it, or at least remember give your 8th-grade self some grace.

Inactivity

You are awake at 3 a.m. because you should have worked out yesterday morning. You can try progressively tensing and relaxing muscle groups, but you may have to just read until exhausted, then try again tomorrow morning. Do not get up and exercise.

Nudge

You awaken with a thought or impression. From your subconscious? God? The Universe? Doesn’t matter—write it down, or get up and do something about it. Otherwise, it will either

o   Go back to where it came from

o   Keep you up until morning

Got enough sleep 

The undiscovered country: You blink. You roll over (probably on the living room sofa). You ask, “Why am I awake?” You count up hours of sleep. You have, unaccountably, slept enough. Enjoy this one whenever it occurs.